I know it’s been a while since I’ve written. I’ve been…. uninspired to say the least.
The past week has been rough. There has been a lot of tears, and a lot of coffee. This past week I was involved in a car accident. Everyone was okay, but my car is pretty beat up. If you know me, you also know my beloved loser cruiser. Well, this might be the end for her.
I know, it’s pretty upsetting.
Even though I wasn’t physically hurt in the accident, I was traumatized a bit. In the past two years, I’ve had three frends die in traffic accidents. When, you lose that many people, and then walk away from an accident when they couldn’t, it messes you up. At night I don’t sleep because I keep replaying the accident in my mind.
What happened and why did it happen?
I always want to be a bubbly and happy person, but this week, I’m just not her. But I’m trying my hardest to be strong and keep my faith.
I often look at my arm that’s tattoed with the word “faith” and I just think “yeah I have faith, yeah I love God” and blah blah blah.
But do I really have faith in Him? Do I really have faith in what He can do?
That’s the question I’m being challenged with this week. Recently, I came across a verse in Matthew that says,
“He replied, ‘Because you have so little faith. Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.’ ” Matthew 17:20
Now I’ve heard this verse many times, but never fully understood it. Like who the eff can move mountains? So I dove in and studied it. In this passage, Jesus is asked to drive out a demon of a little boy. His disciples try, but are unable to perform the exorcism. When they ask why they couldn’t, Jesus tells them it’s because they have little faith.
How in the world do these followers of Christ not have faith in him? I mean the man is standing right in front of them and yet they have small faith. These disciples said they had faith, but in that moment it was an outward, attractive faith. It wasn’t a gritty, full hearted faith. They still doubted. I think this is true today. Yeah I have the word faith tattooed on my skin, but do I have faith? I love telling the world that I’m a person of faith, but how often do I doubt God’s work? A lot. I doubt that he’ll take care of my car, that he’ll give me the money I need to pay it, that he’ll take care of me.
I crave the mustard seed faith. I so desperately want to have the faith that God will take care of me through this mess. I don’t want to worry anymore. At this moment as I sip on my iced coffee, I lift up a prayer. Not an ask for a new car or money, but a thank you. A thank you to God for loving me and keeping me safe even though my faith is shaky today.