Today I looked through my old Facebook pictures. *cringe*
Let me tell ya, there were some winners in there. I mean I had it all. The perm, the braces, the uneven poorly plucked eyebrows, the rimmed black eyeliner. All good looks.
But the whole time I was just thinking how much pain were in those eyes.
She hated herself.
She thought she was fat (the heaviest I was in HS was 100lbs.)
She thought she was ugly. She thought nobody wanted her. She felt ostracized. She felt lonely.
I can honestly never think of a time when I didn’t feel fat. Looking back at old pictures, I remember taking those and thinking I was absolutely huge. I remember taking pictures of my body in my bedroom with my little Nikon digital camera and sitting on my bed analyzing every part.
I felt this way long after high school. It lead into college, and even up to now being 22 years old. To be in high school and worry about the fact that you don’t look like a VS Angel is exhausting. I wasted so much time and energy. All those feelings eventually lead to less and less eating and eventually in college, I had a full blown eating disorder.
So to that young girl, I’m sorry.
I’m sorry I spent so much time crying and comparing. I’m sorry that I thought a size 2 was too big when ordering my homecoming dress. I want to take it all back. I want to give you a hug. I want to tell you how beautiful you are and how much you are loved and that some day, the right guy will come along. I wish I could protect you. I wish I could tell you to not go on that date or not go to that party or not drink one more Mike’s Hard Lemonade.
In the Bible there’s a verse that always brings me comfort. I’ve shared it on here before, but by golly it’s just so good that I’m going to share it again.
“I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” Psalm 139:14
I’ve since started recovery. It hasn’t been long, I still struggle, but I’m thankful to be where I am. I took a year internship in Rhode Island and that’s where recovery started for me. I learned about more about myself and Christ’s love than I could ever imagine. I found people who accepted me and loved me and supported me through it all. In the past couple weeks, I’ve moved back home. I have amazing love from my family and close friends, and I’m ready to continue on with recovery.
All I can do now is live my life differently. I’m working on loving myself for exactly who I am. I no longer crave attention or starve myself. And yes, occasionally I will slip up. I will look too long in the mirror, or I will see a pretty girl and immediately wish I looked like her. But I’m trying and I hope, if you’re struggling like I did, that you will join me.
So to all the girls out there who are feeling the way I did, I hope you find peace with yourself and I pray that God will bring you comfort. I never want any of you to go through what I did, but if you are, I encourage you to get help and start recovering. It’s a hell of a process, but I promise you, you’ll see the benefit. Down below I have listed some websites that might help.
there are many more, but here’s a place to start. xoxo