I’m A Princess

One of my closest friends is having a baby girl (yay!) and her baby shower was today. When I was shopping for her and writing her card, I just kept thinking “I can’t wait for this little princess.” or “this baby girl is going to be such a precious princess!” And that’s when I started thinking about how important that word is.


How often do we tell little girls that they’re princesses or that they should find someone who treats them like a princess? All the time! What does that lead to? Spoiled young women and unrealistic expectations of love and how we should be treated in a relationship. Now I’m not saying you should be treated like dirt, nobody should have to go through a bad relationship, but on the other hand, don’t expect to be waited on hand and foot and not expected to give anything in return.


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When I was growing up, everyone told me I was a princess. My family always called me princess and would sarcastically respond with “yes, princess” when I asked a question. I grew into adolescence 100% believing I should be seen as a princess, treated as a princess, and look like a princess. That pressure was so overwhelming! I don’t blame my parents for my unrealistic expectations of love and of myself, but I blame myself for the way I perceived it. Obviously it’s a lot to live up to and the fairy tale got ugly very quickly. I was 18 when I fully recognized and validated my body dysmorphia and atypical anorexia, but the symptoms had been there mentally since I was 15 or 16. I was not and am not a typical storybook princess.

But, I am a princess.

I’m a princess because I’m a daughter of the One True King. I am loved by God exactly the way I am. He loved me so much that He sent His son to die for me. I’m a princess because God sees my soul, and He knows the deepest part of my heart. Guess what? You’re a princess, too! The One True King loves you!


“It is not fancy hair, gold jewelry, or fine clothes that should make you beautiful. No, your beauty should come from inside you –the beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit. That beauty will never disappear and it is worth very much to God.”

— 1 Peter 3:3-4

As princesses and daughters of the Lord, we are to love well and show compassion to others. We need to be kind, gentle, thankful, and gracious. Our hearts and soul mean so much more to Christ than our outward beauty does. Allowing ourselves to fully embrace the idea of being God’s princess, daughters of the True King, will open so many doors for us. We will be satisfied with the love from our Savior, and we will be loving and grace giving women.


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Teach your daughters, friends, nieces, and women around you that they are a true princess and a very loved daughter of the one who died for them. Teach them love and gentleness. Nothing is worth more to God than us living our lives for Him.

Remember my friends, you are SO loved and cared for by the Lord. You are His true princess.





The Perfect Christian

We all know the perfect christian. The one who has perfect hair, a perfect spouse, and is genuinely the nicest person on Earth. They read their Bible every day and pray before every meal and they seem to never do wrong. Their Bibles are highlighted, and they take super cute pictures of Bible verses and their coffee. (refer to the super hip picture above)

Yeah I know a few. But here’s the thing. There isn’t such a thing as “the perfect christian” There are people who listen to worship music on repeat, pray, read their Bible, and you might think they are perfect, but there is a reason they are a christian.

They have experienced His grace.

I can tell you I am NOT the perfect christian. By a long shot.

Right now I’m in the season of my life where I have experienced Christ’s grace and forgiveness and I’m actively looking to know Him and love Him.

Let me take you back. I was baptized when I was 8, and again when I was 17. In high school, I was “a good girl” I didn’t party or drink. I didn’t love myself, but on the outside, I was pretty good. When I went to college, I had my first taste of alcohol, and I liked it. Eventually, I was going out every night. It didn’t matter if I had an early class the next day, I was out all night. I would spend my Sunday mornings in church, but I was severely hungover. I wished so badly that the service would end so I could crawl into bed for the rest of the day.

To add to that, I was dating someone who brought me down. I was drunk, anorexic, and a down right mess.

Why do I tell this? To let you know, that God forgives me. He really does!! He loved me when I was slamming back one Mike’s Hard after another, He loved me when I was hunched over throwing up during a church service, and He loved me when I was starving myself and I couldn’t love myself.

One day I was SO hungover. I was throwing up uncontrollably and lying on the bathroom floor, and I just cried out to God. I told Him that I wanted to serve Him better, I wanted to love Him better, and I wanted to lead by example. How was I was supposed to be an example to others, when I couldn’t even follow the Lord.

I am not a perfect Christian, but I am trying to be a better Christian. I’ve come a long way, but I still have a long way to go.

Romans 5:8 says:

God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

It’s short, but straight to the point. While we sin, God still loves us! How rad is that?! It does NOT mean that we able to do what ever we want, but it means that we are human, and when we mess up, God is right there with His arms wide open. I want to follow Him because I love Him, and I want to love the way God loves.

He really does love us unconditionally. I’ve seen a picture lately that says

“God loves you unconditionally, but under certain conditions.”

It makes me want to scream at my computer! God does love us when we are sinning, He doesn’t approve, but that’s so different than not loving us at all. Just like when a parent loves their child, but doesn’t want them running around being bullies or breaking the law. That’s the way God loves us. When I was sinning, even when I knew what I was doing was wrong, God loved me through it. He’ll always be here. And He loves you, too!

So to wrap it all up, there is no perfect Christian, because we have all sinned and continue to sin. But God loves us through it all. A love that is so raw and pure that when I was pounding vodka shots, He still wanted me. His love is unconditional because he does NOT leave you during your lowest point. I promise.

He loves you. He forgives you. He is there with arms wide open.



When You’re a Beach Person Living in the Midwest

If you know me, you know the beach is my happy place. I first saw it’s beauty on Spring Break circa 2015 with my best friends. I was so excited to hangout, layout, and let’s be honest, drink a couple cocktails.

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But when I saw the ocean, I just stopped. I couldn’t move because I was so in awe. My friends went running past me, but my feet were still. I felt so small compared to the massive blue ocean that was in front of me. Maybe I was delusional from the 15 hour car ride, but I couldn’t help but think to myself that if the ocean is this big, imagine how big God is! That whole week I decided to spend it praising God, because I had never felt so in awe of Him before.

Fast forward two years and I moved to RI, yep the Ocean State! I was SO excited to be near the water again. For that whole year while I lived there, I went to the beach whenever I needed to hear God. Even during a hurricane, and a snow storm, I still ventured out to the beach. Now that I’m back home in the Midwest, I feel like I’ve lost touch with God. It’s silly to say that it’s because I’m not near the beach, but that really is the case. I don’t know how to listen to God or feel near to Him in the corn fields and Mississippi River.

“But what about church?” I love going to church. It’s my community and it’s where I feel refreshed. But my alone time with God just hasn’t been there. I have been waiting for such a big experience like seeing the ocean for the first time, but nothing like that has happened.

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Until today. 

The past couple months have been heartbreaking, sad, hurtful, and just plain hard. I can’t go in to detail about it, but my family has been going through a really hard time. We are dealing with an issue that we never saw coming. But this morning we received some good news. Not enough to make the whole thing go away, but just enough to give us a little hope. And guess what? I felt God again.

Then it hit me. This whole time I’ve been waiting for God to show in a huge way. I’ve been waiting for an ocean. I couldn’t see God because I was so consumed with selfish desire for something big. It’s an incredible feeling to have a personal relationship with Christ. I had such a strong one when I was a kid, and felt it again when I saw the ocean because I was reminded of His strength and power. Moving home, I had no huge reminder of Him. I mean, I knew that I loved Him and I knew that He died for me. But I couldn’t feel anything. Today, I saw just how a small victory can remind me of His power and love.

Having a relationship with God does not mean you get things out of it. It does not mean “okay God I gave my life to you, what are you going to give me in return?” Instead it’s more like, “God, I love you because you died for me. Just little ole me! And because of that, I give my whole life to you.” It’s kind of like that scene in Mulan when all of China bows to her because she saved China. (had to squeeze that reference in somewhere! it gives me chills!)

I don’t expect anything in return for loving Christ. But today’s small victory reminded me that He will never leave me, even when my faith is shaky and almost non-existent. Please feel free to share how you see God whether it’s in an ocean way or a small victory way.




To The Family Who Lives In My Childhood Home

Last night I took a road trip to my hometown to see old high school friends and it was, as expected, nostalgic.

After gossiping, catching up, and a chocolate shake, I decided to take a drive to see the home that I grew up in. On my way there I saw corn fields, cows, and one beautiful sunset; things I definitely miss since moving to a bigger town. Pulling up to my old home I could see that it was the same and that a family lived there now; a family that is building a life in the house where I built mine. And I wanted to write to them.

So here it is.

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To the family that lives in my childhood home,

I’m guessing you find this a little strange. To you, I’m just a girl whose family sold them this beautiful house. And you probably think it’s a little weird that I drove by, but I promise, I was just reminiscing. You see, I grew up in that house. It’s the house where I started kindergarten. It’s the house where I graduated high school and began college. I want you to know how special this house is.

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This house around you holds all my greatest memories. If walls could talk, they’d tell you endless stories. You know those two tall trees in the front yard? I planted them when I was a kid I watched them grow from my bedroom window. The tall tree that hangs over the backyard is where I had a tire swing and would swing around all summer. We used to have a huge grape vine in the backyard where my sister and I would run around barefoot, eating fresh grapes.


     My bedroom was at the top of the stairs. It’s where I tried on my first cheerleading uniform (Go Mustangs!), it’s where I cried after my first heartbreak, and it’s where I would take our landline phone and talk for hours to my best friend. I had endless slumber parties with friends, “spa days” with my mom and sister, and had a billion boy band posters hung up on the walls.

There used to be a door knob shaped hole in my bedroom wall where I let my teenage anger get the best of me. I used to walk around the block for hours with my best friends, and spent my afternoons at the Loraine Park going around and around on the merry-go-round talking about boys.

Before the boring tan color my bedroom was painted when we sold it, it was bright purple and had silver stars painted on the walls, and I proudly painted it myself when I was 13 years old.


I wonder if you know about all the hard work my dad put into this house. Before it was the beauty it is today, it was an old 1800 building. During our renovation, we found old letters, children’s book, and pictures from the early 1900s (that were later thrown away by the school janitor during show and tell.) For years my dad nailed every nail, laid foundation, and put up walls. We lived in the mess of saw dust, plaster, and noise while it was being renovated. But now it’s a gorgeous home for your family to grow up in.


I’m thankful for all the memories I have in that house. I wish that you have many years in your home. Not all my memories in this house were good, some were sad, some were painful, but I’ll never forget my time there. I want you to make new memories and be a part of its history as my family was. I hope you are building a life in the house that built me.



Looking Back

Today I looked through my old Facebook pictures. *cringe*


Let me tell ya, there were some winners in there. I mean I had it all. The perm, the braces, the uneven poorly plucked eyebrows, the rimmed black eyeliner. All good looks.

But the whole time I was just thinking how much pain were in those eyes.

She hated herself. 

She thought she was fat (the heaviest I was in HS was 100lbs.)

She thought she was ugly. She thought nobody wanted her. She felt ostracized. She felt lonely.

I can honestly never think of a time when I didn’t feel fat. Looking back at old pictures, I remember taking those and thinking I was absolutely huge. I remember taking pictures of my body in my bedroom with my little Nikon digital camera and sitting on my bed analyzing every part.


I felt this way long after high school. It lead into college, and even up to now being 22 years old. To be in high school and worry about the fact that you don’t look like a VS Angel is exhausting. I wasted so much time and energy. All those feelings eventually lead to less and less eating and eventually in college, I had a full blown eating disorder.

So to that young girl, I’m sorry.

I’m sorry I spent so much time crying and comparing. I’m sorry that I thought a size 2 was too big when ordering my homecoming dress. I want to take it all back. I want to give you a hug. I want to tell you how beautiful you are and how much you are loved and that some day, the right guy will come along. I wish I could protect you. I wish I could tell you to not go on that date or not go to that party or not drink one more Mike’s Hard Lemonade.

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In the Bible there’s a verse that always brings me comfort. I’ve shared it on here before, but by golly it’s just so good that I’m going to share it again.

“I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” Psalm 139:14

I’ve since started recovery. It hasn’t been long, I still struggle, but I’m thankful to be where I am. I took a year internship in Rhode Island and that’s where recovery started for me. I learned about more about myself and Christ’s love than I could ever imagine. I found people who accepted me and loved me and supported me through it all. In the past couple weeks, I’ve moved back home. I have amazing love from my family and close friends, and I’m ready to continue on with recovery.

All I can do now is live my life differently. I’m working on loving myself for exactly who I am. I no longer crave attention or starve myself. And yes, occasionally I will slip up. I will look too long in the mirror, or I will see a pretty girl and immediately wish I looked like her. But I’m trying and I hope, if you’re struggling like I did, that you will join me.

So to all the girls out there who are feeling the way I did, I hope you find peace with yourself and I pray that God will bring you comfort. I never want any of you to go through what I did, but if you are, I encourage you to get help and start recovering. It’s a hell of a process, but I promise you, you’ll see the benefit. Down below I have listed some websites that might help.








there are many more, but here’s a place to start. xoxo

Mustard, Jesus, and Tattoos

I know it’s been a while since I’ve written. I’ve been…. uninspired to say the least.

The past week has been rough. There has been a lot of tears, and a lot of coffee. This past week I was involved in a car accident. Everyone was okay, but my car is pretty beat up. If you know me, you also know my beloved loser cruiser. Well, this might be the end for her.


I know, it’s pretty upsetting.

Even though I wasn’t physically hurt in the accident, I was traumatized a bit. In the past two years, I’ve had three frends die in traffic accidents. When, you lose that many people, and then walk away from an accident when they couldn’t, it messes you up. At night I don’t sleep because I keep replaying the accident in my mind.

What happened and why did it happen?

I always want to be a bubbly and happy person, but this week, I’m just not her. But I’m trying my hardest to be strong and keep my faith.

I often look at my arm that’s tattoed with the word “faith” and I just think “yeah I have faith, yeah I love God” and blah blah blah.

But do I really have faith in Him? Do I really have faith in what He can do?

That’s the question I’m being challenged with this week. Recently, I came across a verse in Matthew that says,

“He replied, ‘Because you have so little faith. Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.’ ” Matthew 17:20 

Now I’ve heard this verse many times, but never fully understood it. Like who the eff can move mountains? So I dove in and studied it. In this passage, Jesus is asked to drive out a demon of a little boy. His disciples try, but are unable to perform the exorcism. When they ask why they couldn’t, Jesus tells them it’s because they have little faith.

How in the world do these followers of Christ not have faith in him? I mean the man is standing right in front of them and yet they have small faith. These disciples said they had faith, but in that moment it was an outward, attractive faith. It wasn’t a gritty, full hearted faith. They still doubted.  I think this is true today. Yeah I have the word faith tattooed on my skin, but do I have faith? I love telling the world that I’m a person of faith, but how often do I doubt God’s work? A lot. I doubt that he’ll take care of my car, that he’ll give me the money I need to pay it, that he’ll take care of me.

 I crave the mustard seed faith. I so desperately want to have the faith that God will take care of me through this mess. I don’t want to worry anymore. At this moment as I sip on my iced coffee, I lift up a prayer. Not an ask for a new car or money, but a thank you. A thank you to God for loving me and keeping me safe even though my faith is shaky today.



What the Heck am I Doing with My Life

Reflection. Not just a catchy song from Mulan, although now I’ll be singing it for the rest of the day…


This week has been a time of reflection on my internship. I still have about 5 weeks of work left, but I know they will fly by because this whole year has flown by. I can’t believe it’s already been nine months since I packed up and moved 1,000 miles from home.

I’m currently sitting in the coffee shop where I 100% said yes I want to work for Sojourn just 18 months ago. I remember it was a warm October day when I sat down with the three staff members who would later become my co-workers and friends and signed up for this crazy journey.

The past year has been hard, but soooo incredibly rewarding and fun! I had the opportunity to see California, meet new people, and learn so much. It was hard planning and fundraising, and I quickly wanted to go home and see my family, but I’m glad I stayed. God wanted me here.

He had a plan.

When it gets hard, I  remember coming across a picture that said “someone out there is counting on what God has called you to do” I knew I had to stay here. I knew that big things were gonna happen. I went into it thinking that I was gonna help people grow, but it ended up that I grew more than I ever thought I would.

I’m so so thankful for this experience, my friends, the students, and the Felkel family for opening their home to me. I’ve seen so many amazing things during my time here, and if you’re interested in hearing more about them, let’s grab some coffee because it’ll take a while.

During this whole process and especially now that my year is coming to a close, I’ve been wrestling with the question,

what the heck am I doing with my life?!

It’s been really tough struggling through this, so I naturally reached to scripture. There’s a verse that gets a lot of recognition when people are worried about the future, and I decided to break it down for y’all.

 “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

Here’s the low down on this popular verse. This was part of a letter that Jeremiah wrote from God to the Israelites who were in exile in Babylon. God tells them in this letter that he will release them from captivity in 70 years and they are to love and serve God through all of this. The Israelites did not want to hear this. They wanted to be told that they were going to be freed imediately from their suffering, but God wanted to use them to help prosper the nation. A lot of people, including myself, have used this verse as a security blanket to basically say that God will release you from your hurt immediately. But we are told to prosper the area around us and to serve the Lord even when it’s hard.

I want to be told right now what I’ll be doing in ten years and where I’ll end up, but that’s not how it works. I have to serve God through this confusing time in my life, and God will take care of me through it all.

I hope that whatever thing you’re struggling with, that you take this verse in context and serve God through the mess. It’s hard, trust me, I know, but God will take care of you. It may not be right this second, but He will hold your hand through it all, I promise.



p.s. if you’re a student or a RI friend reading this, I hope you know how much love I have in my heart for you and how thankful I am that God placed you in my life.



Gals, guys, mom….Rhode Island is cold.

Last week I spent time in California, and getting off the plane in 20 degree weather was not ideal.

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Although the weather in Cali was beautiful, that’s not the main reason I was there. I, along with 30 college students, packed up my bags and flew to Oakland for a service trip. I have been on a couple service trips before, but this was different. This one really touched my heart, because it focused on diversity and refugee stories.

The first day we were there, we got a tour of Oakland. I was blown away and inspired by the art and history that Oakland holds. We saw the site of the Ghost Ship Fire that happened not too long ago. We also saw the site where Oscar Grant was fatally shot by police. Now I’m not here to get political, but I’m here to tell you about the freedom of Oakland. The cool thing about Oakland is that you feel free to be yourself. There’s nothing that stops people from doing their thing and being whoever they want to be. There are murals from Oakland artists mourning the loss of Oscar Grant. There is this enormous since of community and “Oakland Grit”

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The diversity in Oakland is astounding. Everyday we got food from different countries cooked by people who are from that country. It was incredible! While we were eating dinner, the cooks would tell their story. They would tell us how they came to Oakland and how they became a Christian. I enjoyed listening to them and their stories. That was one thing I became really good at in Oakland.


Before this trip, I was quick to judge based off what the news was telling me. I was told that Oakland was dangerous, and that refugees were hurting America. I quickly learned that that’s not the case. Sure, every city has their dangerous areas, but that shouldn’t stop anyone from going there. Oakland owns their history. They are proud of their city. One night in particular, we heard stories from a panel of people of different ethnicities. This was the first time I sat down and shut up.

I listened.

“My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry” James 1:19

Jesus was a friend to those who were different from him and he loved them for exactly who they were. I want to love like that. I want listen like that. Last week was the first time I actually listened, and that was tough for me. I’m so quick to give advice, but that’s not what they were looking for. They simply wanted me to understand.

I want to understand their hurt, and understand why I’m told I get “white privilege” There’s nothing more powerful than sitting across the table from someone who is polar opposite of you and just listening. That’s the way Jesus loves, and that’s the way I want to love. I’m human and I’m bound to mess up, but I’m trying.

I challenge all of you to find someone you don’t see eye to eye with and grab some coffee with them and listen. Don’t listen to reply, but listen to understand.





It’s been a bad day.

You know those days where nothing goes right? Yeah. Bad. So here I am curled up in a blanket, watching The Lizzie McGuire Movie, and sipping on some hot tea. The best remedy for a bad day, obviously.

This morning I had an echo-cardiogram for Mitral Valve Prolapse. My mom was with me six years ago when I was diagnosed, but today I had to do it on my own and that scared me.

And I cried.

Don’t worry, I’m going to be okay, MVP isn’t life threatening in my case. But I cried because I felt alone. Flat out alone.

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Seeing my little gimpy valve flap around on the imaging screen, I felt tears starting to come down my face. I didn’t have anyone near me to comfort me. To tell me that I’m going to be okay. To tell me that I have nothing to worry about.

Today I needed someone.

I needed God.


When I was younger, God was like an imaginary friend to me. I took him everywhere with me and he was always there no matter where I went. I used to even sit on my swing set and talk to him out loud, and I honestly never felt lonely back then. As I got older, other things became more important in my life. I grew up and God became just someone that I sang to in church.

How do I get swing set conversations back?

I desperately crave to have the relationship with God that I had years ago. I want to be able to talk out loud to him, I want to be able to look to my side and see him near me. I need him more than ever now that I’m on my own. I simply can’t do this life alone.

Isaiah 41:10 says,

“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”

How awesome is it that God promises us that he will always be with us?? He strengthens us to not just make it through our day, but to conquer it, even the days when nothing goes right.


God was with me the whole time today, but I ignored it. He was right there in that room with me. He was with me when I was sad, scared, and hopeless.

In the stillness of the night, I can almost feel that swing set feeling again. The feeling that his arms are wrapped around me the way a father wraps his arms around his sick or hurting child. Tomorrow as my busy life starts up again, I want that feeling to last. God is always with me. His love and comfort are secure.

He will never leave me and I promise, he will never leave you.



Identity Theif

Alright ladies and gents, time to talk about something very near and dear to my heart.


Ahhhh yes. Beauty. Makeup, skin care, and hair products. Just a few of my favorite words.

As a makeup artist in training, I am a beauty junkie. It’s a real problem. I spend so many hours watching beauty videos on YouTube trying to learn the latest trends. The beauty community on YouTube is gigantic. Combined they have a grand total of 14.4 Billion views!

That’s actually insane. And I contribute a large amount to that number.

The world is obsessed with looking their best. 

But why? Beauty is temporary right? I’ll let you in on a little secret, we all want to be accepted. 

When I was struggling with my body image and eating disorder, I constantly listened to what the outside world was telling me. That thigh gaps made me more attractive, that a slim waistline made me desirable, and if I didn’t live up to that, then no boy would ever find me attractive.

I even considered a nose job and lip injections.

It’s hard for me to admit that because as a woman of God, I shouldn’t be concerned with my outward appearance, right? But I’m only human. I struggle. I look at my Instagram feed wishing I was thinner or prettier. I used to be addicted to selfies. Trying to get the best angles and lighting to make myself look attractive. I even photo-shopped my waistline once. That was a low for me. I remember looking at how many likes I got on that picture, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that people liked the body that they thought I had, not for me. Just plain ole me.

When I moved to Rhode Island, I had a conversation that really made me realize how harmful I was being to my own self. I couldn’t focus on things because I was so wrapped up in my appearance. I was told that I shouldn’t be seeking my identity in others. I shouldn’t look to others for acceptance. Society is an identity thief. It steals God’s idea of beautiful and twists it into an outward, surface level thing.

God made me in HIS image. He accepts me for who I am and for all the little imperfections.

Psalm 139:14 says:

“I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.”

Here’s what you need to know. David wrote this as an acknowledgment of God and His work. He is speaking to God in a way that is giving thanks and recognition. It’s an absolutely beautiful prayer that I’ve prayed a lot when I’m feeling not my best. Sometimes I forget that after God created everything, he said that it was very good.

Including us.

Don’t get me wrong, I still struggle with things. Especially being in the beauty industry, it can be hard. But I think it’s about time we re-invent the word “beauty” That’s  what I aspire to do with my career in makeup. I want people to see that your inner beauty is the most important. The outside is just a fun way to decorate and reflect on what’s the inside. Let the world see your beauty in a different way. In the way you treat others, in the way you speak, and in the way you love.

Our bodies are temples for the Holy Spirit and if God sees us in such way that he would live inside us, who are we to disagree with that?

Without the makeup, without the photo-shop, without the filters

you are beautiful.