Well hello there. It’s been a long time since I’ve seen these bright white pages. I’m not sure what I want to write about but I do know I need to write. So much have changed since I’ve written last and to be honest, I can’t even remember what I wrote about. I’m a mom to a wonderful 1 year old and I’ve moved to a new place with new people and new amazing coffee shops. Cold brew at a local place is another level of delicious.
It’s quiet in the shop I’m currently curled up in. Faint country music plays overhead as milk steams and espresso is poured. It brings me back to years ago when I sat in coffee shops for hours and would write and listen to music and my soul would be filled to the brim just like a warm latte. I have to honest that my tank has been on empty for a long time. Nothing bad has happened, but yet here I sit yearning for the feeling I once knew so well. Motherhood has distanced me from myself. Now I know I don’t have to tell you how much I love my son, but motherhood isn’t what I thought it was going to be. I expected the diapers and crying and nursery rhymes that make you want to pull your hair out. What I didn’t expect, however, was the isolation. The isolation from the person I once was.
I once knew exactly who I was. Once upon a time, I was a dancer who loved to read and write and get up early just excited to make her coffee. Now I dread waking up. I pass by my makeup and hair accessories and brush my teeth. I pour a glass of grocery store iced coffee, throw on the cleanest thing I can find in the hamper and head out the door to work. There’s no spark. No excitement. No music threatening to blow out my speakers. The rest of my day after I clock out is filled with tears of a baby going on toddler who is fed up with the idea of no more afternoon naps, nooking something for dinner, and some form of true crime documentary while I fall asleep on the couch. I know that everyone reading this is absolutely turned off by the idea of motherhood by now. Trust me, I don’t blame you! I didn’t know what was waiting for me after I left the hospital. My laptop has dust on it and is dead because the charger is lost. The trips to the coffee shops are now in the drive through and usually has an extra order of lemonade in it.
But the great thing is I have a little person that sees me as the best thing in the world. He doesn’t see the burn out, the stains on my shirt, or minds the fact that he’s had microwaveable chicken strips for the fourth day in a row. He sees a super hero making a home for him. He’s safe and loved.
I don’t know what I’m chasing these days to make myself feel better. But I am so grateful that I have friends and family who allow me to chase. The kind of friends who say “I’m coming over, go do something.” The kind that loves on your baby as if he’s their own.
One day I’ll find me again. One day I won’t be lost. One morning I’ll wake up to see the sun making its appearance as I feel giddy to grind my coffee beans. Motherhood won’t steal my joy, it won’t rob me of myself, but when it starts to wear on my soul, I know I’ll have people in my corner ready to step in. And for that, I’m eternally grateful.
coffee with conversations 